Musings...

I've been thinking a lot about myself lately. What I believe in. What I want to get out of life. What makes me happy. I don't know the answer to any of these. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't know what I hope to get out of this life if there is anything to get out of it.

Religion and spirituality has been confusing me for a while. I grew up in a Christian house but the religion, particularly the followers, make it less appealing. I've been speaking with two people about religion. One takes the stance that every word in the bible is truth and in order to be a true Christian along with believing in God and having faith in Him, you have to take everything in the bible as pure truth. The other only speaks of God's love...of course that's nice. I don't know what "love" really feels like. I'd rather be loved by someone that I can physically see and hear and touch. But the followers of Christianity don't make this religion appealing. They do exactly the opposite of what Jesus teaches and how am I supposed to believe that it is a religion of love when the followers of said religion spread so much hate? Sure they can be under a devilish or demonic influence, but they don't realize it. All they realize is that they "love" God and want to punish all those that "do not". How am I supposed to believe it is a religion of love with all that? So I've decided that as an "ultimatum" of sorts that I want that question answered by God by means of an animation I want to make. For those are questions that need to be answered.

Not only that but why would he create a girl who doesn't feel human? I guess it could be claimed that I have a "demonic" influence but I don't feel that my canine side is evil. For the most part I'm playful while I'm in my canine mindset. That or very jumpy or paranoid or angry and will growl to warn what ever non threatening entity around me that I'm not happy. Why would God want me to feel like something outside my species? Why is it even remotely necessary?

My weight's also something that bothers me. I wish I had that motivation to just want to lose weight. But I don't have it. I try. I have my mandatory exercise of walking to my classes and back which can take from 20-45 minutes depending on the building, but outside of that walking I don't do much. I keep thinking I can exercise and lose weight without any motivation. I did lose 3 pounds and that's great, but I think I could just as easily gain it all back because I just don't have the motivation to be doing weights, squats, crunches, lunges, reverse crunches and the like close to everyday. Not even my health is a good enough motivation. I don't care for myself. I don't care what happens to me at the moment. I never really care about what happens to me. People could tell me that I could get diabetes until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't phase me. I just watched the opening of the Biggest Loser where the woman passed out and wouldn't respond from walking a mile. I wanted to feel terrible and wanted to feel that I need to get my act together...but I just couldn't. I felt horrible that she was in such terrible shape, but I couldn't empathize with her and I couldn't find motivation with that...

I'm such a negative person and hold in so much negative emotions. I always want to talk to people about things that bother me, but I don't like letting myself feel vulnerable. I mean...I'd love to talk to people about so many personal matters...my feeling canine, my spirituality or lack there of...other personal matters, but I just can't do it. I can't let people know what I'm really like inside. I worry and worry about things that I probably have no reason to worry about but I just can't help it...